all hope is not lost

okay so i jus woke up...and yea yea yea i kno...its kinda late but i got another email from "him" ....wait u kno wut...i'm gunna give em a nickname like in sex and the city, or was that actually his name, Mr.Big...i always thought it was jus a nickname but w.e. ... but from now on he shall b Manny...lame yea but its the 1st thing that came to mind and well i gotta write fast b4 my mom figures i'm awake, so yea well in the email manny was all like yes i ment what i said when i said i'd ask you out agn bc he said he wasnt jus giving me false hope and he rele ment it...so i was like awww he rele is the best....but i had a quesiton...i didnt ask him this but jus a question that arose in my mind...okay b4...in an email from yesterday, he said he wanted to b a better bf then my ex...of which he's kinda friends with, and i mean y would he even compare himself to him, bc in my eyes manny was like 10x better then my ex, like idk wut it is but his personality made him 10x better bc my ex was pretty much dead behind the eyes, no offense to him but it was true, and manny is all life, it was pretty much a breath of fresh air...and i liked it...a lot...and he even cared enuff to let me go...but ya kno...i jus rele wish he told me how he felt about me...like explain his feelings towards me...like in words bc as u can tell, its rele easy for me to get things down on paper bc i am a natural writer...but i jus wisshhhh i culd kno how he felt abt me, like jus try to explain it 2 me...bc honestly if someone dus rele like another person...it shuldnt b hard to write how u feel bc words will jus flow out like water out of a watering can, it may take a little effort but it will come out eventually and it will only b easier every time....but yea i jus rele wish he told me...jus so i kno where i stand...bc i feel out in the blue for the moment but honestly...it wuld make my day jus to hear how he felt...it wuld pretty much make me feel much better and not so bleh all the time...but i found out this morning that he cant even read my blog bc its blocked on him computer...so he'll nvr b able to read any of this...but if one day...by random chance he will...i wuld want him to read this...among others...

not too shabby

okay so the whole wallowing in my own pool of sadness wasnt so bad...i mean i still ate a whole bunch of crap that will prob make me sick in like the next 20minz but i mean i didnt sink to the level of princess diaries, jus will and grace, i survived a japanese game show, and friends, which isnt too bad, its the perfect combo of laffs so i guess it helped for a lil bit...but now i'm bak to the weird wallowing in my pool of sadness...idk i still cant get him out of my mind, he's like a song that wont go away, that will play all day in my head...but like on the other hand...i dont exactly want the thoughts to go away... its nice having a memory to live off of sumtimes...ya know.... wen u dont have anything else

self pity much?

as a result of my weird wallowing in my own pool of depression thing...i decided to take a trip to kroger after my bookstudy 2day...and it mite have been the most interesting/sad trip i've had to kroger in a long time...so 1st things 1st i had the strangest craving for grape tomatoes so i got sum but i was getting all pissed bc all of the boxes wer like nasty and then i finally found one, then i got my ranch dressing and i was all like thank goodness, then i needed cheese and meat for my weird sandwich fetish, so i went to find cheese....and there i stood in front of the cheese area for like 20 minz bc i culdnt decide what cheese i wanted and plus i wasnt thinking straight either so i finally decided on sum cheese named muenster...and to tell you the truth...i've nvr tried it in my life so i jus pretty much picked random cheese...gawsh i hope its good....then i picked my meat and i got salami...but that took me awhile too bc once agn i culdnt think straight...then i was like I NEED ICE CREAM! so for another 20minz i stood in front of the ice cream fridge and deliberated on which one i shuld get...bc i COULDNT THINK STRAIGHT! so i ended up getting Summer Peach Pie and i jus ate sum and it was stellar! jus plain tasty...then i'm on my way home and there is this guy in the car next to me, windows down, singing along to a pretty good song, and i suddenly got a revelation! my ice cream was gunna melt in the trunk...(i'm deep, i kno) annnndd that he jus seemed so happy and seemed like he didnt have a care in the world and jus lived in the moment and i was like wow, he looks like he knows how to have fun...and then i got home, i had to open the garage by hand as usual and wen i opened it i was so concerned that this bug was gunna land on me, i didnt notice that the garage wasnt all the way up and it was still like half way down and i totally ran into it...it hurt so bad..so now i have like a monster headache...ughhh gawwwsshhh...i dont think this whole self pity thing culd get any worse...so now...i'm about to go wallow in my own pool of sadness and go watch princess diaries accompanied by a sandwich, sum grape tomatoes, and peach ice cream...yayyy for me...yay 4 my self pity...oh gawsh i'm a sad sad chick

no sleep?

okay so yea...2nite...i am sooo not gunna get any sleep...my heart hurts (not literally)...i feel like crap...and idk wut to do with myself anymore...and my mind is still racing abt thoughts of "him" and this and that and gah idk wut to do...but all i do kno is that i shall get no sleep 2nite...bc even if i did get sleep..nothing wuld help calm my mind...its jus that wen i do have nothing to do...the 1st thing that pops up in my head is him...and idk y it jus is...and i mean its sooo annoying bc i want to b able to relax and try to not b so upset and crap but its hard wen he's all i can think abt and hmph...idk i jus kno i wont b able to sleep bc at the rate i'm getting worked up...it means no sleep...and idk y..i shuldnt even b worked up still..but i am...idk i've NEVER been so worked up abt a guy...i dont think i've ever held on to a guy this long after we've broken up....something dus not seem rite...i knew from the start that i felt differently abt "him" then any of my other bfs and it was much better like it was the hardest thing to explain but it was the best feeling ever..i didnt kno wut to call it...but he tells me he feels the same way abt me...and ugh...i find that highly unlikely bc if he did feel the same way towards me...he wuld b as worked up abt me too bc honestly like how i felt/feel 4 him wuld honestly b the hardest thing to let go of...and it seems to me that this whole thing dusnt seem to bother him much..and its jus kinda bothering me...and i never get bothered period..like i jus dont...this has been a weird day...i was dumped and i'm experiencing emotions i never feel....gah...idk i've ever felt so messed up in my life

still standing?

okay so lately, due to the fact that i have been pulled into this weird limbo state of me being sad, depressed, but seriously feeling no emotion...weird? yes...true? absolutely...i have undergone a weird addiction for Lifetime...you kno, that channel that old ppl watch a lot...and like i have been watching still standing a lot and will and grace a lot too, both stellar shows, and i mean i was watching still standing like 10 minz ago and totally noticed that my weird and complicated love life is exactly like Linda's (Judie's younger sister) and i was all sitting ther on the couch with my baggie of popcorn thinking to myself, dang, i am not alone, and yesss i realized that ppl totally have it worse then me, 4 example: those girls you hear abt who get left at the altar :(( sad stuff man, and that like totally tops my sitch bc seriously if the whole being left at the altar thing happened to me....i wuld like die...idk wut i wuld do...i think i would b able to function in a normal atmosphere anymore :( bc think abt it, if i am all like bleeehhhhhhh now over like being dumped throo email..think of how i'd react to being dumped on my wedding day...ouchie...i dont even wanna think abt to b honest :(( but now idk wut i wanna do with myself honestly bc i'm usually so self absorbed in trying to achieve LEVEL:PERFECT GF i've nvr rele known what to do without the goal bc (this is way b4 i was ever in a good-ish relationship) if i wasnt in a relationship and i was totally single, i'd take a trip to the mall and find myself a new man, of which the mall has a great selection :) but hmph as soon as u make plans with them and they r all like my gawd ur so hot, u find out they have a freakn gf...they nvr told u abt...thus leads me to my point abt the whole i've been played too many times to count thingggg....but dang i jus noticed...of how much i rant abt "him"...and how much i'm all like blah blah blah blah over reacting and stuff...i find myself rele rele rele rele rele rele hating being single...gah i now mark this moment pathetic loser moment number 2!

boston or bust

okay well as u may kno i am leaving for boston this friday (yayyyy) i am so psyched but like the whole thing abt moving on from "him" and finding a new man in boston itz jus that honestly...i dont want to move on....i like having the thought of him...and having the thought of what we had...hmph he is so great...gawsh i am not worthy of his awsum-ness...which brings me to another point...wuld i even be a good gf?? seriously? wuld i like suck up all the fun in the room? wuld i only b a downer?? ...i jus wanna b the best gf possible to whomever i date...is that too much to ask for?

i hope he calls

okay well he told me he would try and call me friday or monday...and i hope wen or if he calls friday he dusnt call me during my asthma check up bc that wuld b the one time i wuldnt b able to pick up my fone...and it wuld totally like kill me if like i knew he called and i culdnt have answered and that wuld have been the 1st time he called..ever...but since we r no longer an "item" i guess he most likely wont call me..even tho i secretly wish he rele would....

ugh...he mite b the best thing everr

me and my stupid hopeless romantic self has now fallen harder then ever....i, have fallen, once again, for the same guy, bc he is so ah-mazing and wen i told him i thought he was simply ah-amazing and wonderful...i ment every word of it...but yea i kno he is reading this...but gah...he simply still makes me like him more and more every day even tho he broke up with me...gahhhhh... but he is jus so sweet, and jus ah-mazing and seriously takes my breath away,and i kno the reason y he broke up with me and seriously he did it for both of us...and it makes me like him even more bc he totally sacrificed something we both wanted to b in, so he could protect both of us...gahhhh i like him so much....oh gawsh i want an ice cream sandwich...but besides the whole ice cream sandwich thing... i seriously think he mite b the best thing everr.....

ultimate pathetic loser moment...

ULTIMATE PATHETIC LOSER MOMENT!
I.. cannot bring myself to leave the comp..i cant...i keep hoping i'm gunna get an email from him...gahhhh...i have reached a new level of pathetic loser-ness... D:



btw that's apic from me...on my school trip...to disney...for a chorus and orch comp...it was taken in march...so it was a lonnnnggg time ago and i think it depicts my loser-ness pretty well bc honestly who else wuld buy that hat and wear it for the whole school trip?? no one else but me

i have officially calmed down...

yes...i am officially calmed rite now....well at least i'm calm for the moment...but i mean idk wut i'm supposed to do now, i mean i kno wut i'm supposed to do literally (3 papers due next week) but as in the sense of what is supposed to preoccupy my thoughts...i have no idea..i mean i culd always plan out my paper in my head.. maybe? bc honestly b4 we broke up...he was all i pretty much thought abt (pathetic loser moment) so now...i'm going to work on my papers...as i should be...and finish them all tonight...so i can seriously enjoy myself in boston.....okay yea no, i'm not gunna work on my papers...even i'm not that big of a nerd...to u kno...spend my free time doing school work..ha...i almost convinced myself therrrr

its for the best...

okay so it got me thinking while writing my last post that...this is rele all for the best...bc seriously neither of us r in the position to date...or b in a steady relationship...so i guess him ending was for the best...and he was thinking of me too bc honestly i am no position to date rite now...but wen he's ready 2 b in a relationship....i'll b ready too...and i'll be waiting for him till that day



oh my gawd...i'm cheesier then spray cheese....gawd me and my stupid hopeless romantic self....ughhhhh

mixed emotions...

okay i jus received another email from him...gawd i am such a pathetic loser...he jus broke up with me and i still wait all day for his next email! kay here is the email

OMG yara totally don't cry don't feel played cause i don't play ppl. I LIKE U!! u r the first person I’ve actually liked in 3 years and the only I’ll like for quite a while. OMG u telling me ur crying is making me cry (seriously). I like u just as much as u like me and this is seriously hard for me. I know this is unexpected, but I wanted to make sure u know that I WILL BE ASKING U OUT AGAIN and most likely SOON. but seriously I’m not in a position to date right now I mean 4 real we haven’t even been able to hang out yet besides u visiting our meeting I want to take u one a real date and the most amazing date u’ve ever been on. but I can’t right now so this is really hard.


gahhhhhh i jus like him so freakn much, and even him breaking up with me hasnt changed crap, and gawwwwwdddd i am such a pathetic loser...i like him so much...honestly look at me... i'm so in2 a guy...i'm still head over heals 4 him....even after we ended this..so hello world..please meet the biggest pathetic loser ever to roam the earth :((


but i mean...since i like him so much...i am gunna wait 4 him...as weird as that sounds...i am...i'm not gunna date and i'm not gunna do anything until he dus ask me out agn...and we can b 2gthr agn....GAHHHH LOOK AT ME...u culd jus go ahead and grab a sharpie and rite LOSER on my 4head

lyrics that depict how i feel at the current time

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lyin' here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
as I'm fadin' away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screamin'
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slippin' off the edge
I'm hangin' by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
As I'm fadin' away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
as I'm fading away



...if u guess UNTITLED by SIMPLE PLAN, then u guessed rite!!! wooohoo :-/ but honestly what do u expect????
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

was i too awsum?

kay as i continued to wallow in my sadness...i wondered..was i jus too overwhelmingly great for him? bc i thought i was a rele great gf...rele caring, nice, sweet, i was even willing to listen to the radio every day this week 10am-3pm to win "So You Think You Can Dance" tour tickets, and surprise him...but idk...what's wrong with me... y cant i ever jus b in a rele good relationship...am i that crappy of a person, bc i kno i'm not pretty and not the brightest of the bunch but i always thought i'd b a decent gf....gawsh idk wut is wrong with me...well okay rite now i am still super bumbed out and i feel like watching princess diaries alone in my room and secretly pig out on a box of chocolates!!!!!!!!!!!! gahhhh i hate wen i get upset...it always leads to me wasting money on random fattie food :(( gahhh

honestly? today?

well today was the 1st week anniversary of me and my bf...i was all giddy and happy today, i went out to eat with my mother 2day and had a rele good afternoon, and for like a gift or sumthn for my bf i was going to go to target and go develop sum pix form my camera for him, its jus a nice pic of us, dressed all nice, and i rele liked the pic so i'm like well this would make a great gift :) but then i decided not to bc my mother wasnt feeling well so we went ahead back home, and my mom fell asleep on the couch and i was left watching the Marilyn Monroe story by myself so i watched it for awhile and decided to check my email to c if i had received anything else from my bf, i did and to my surprise it was from my bf and i was like yayyyy an email...i read it...and tears started falling down my cheek...he had broken up with me...or at least as he put it putting our relationship on hold....it stung so bad...i had no idea what to say... i was so in shock bc i wasnt expecting it...i mean if he was gunna break up with me i would have preferred him at least breaking up with me tmrw, but not on our 1 week anniversary...i was jus so hurt...i stared at the email for awhile...after i already replied and i couldnt stop tears rolling down my cheek, it jus hurt me so bad, i felt played, bc i mean he shouldnt have brought me in this if he was plannin to break up with me only a week later....god i was jus so hurt and i dont think i have been this upset in a long time, i mean i get played a lot by guys and this wasnt the 1st time, but i mean i jus thought he was diff, and he was all like ur still by best friend and blah blah blah blah...that's what they all say...but i kno, and they kno, that, that isnt the case, before i know it, we wont b friends, we wont hang out, he wont even talk to me most likely...its jus all a downward spiral from here, and i jus got over sum serious depression issues and i like poured my heart out to him yesterday and told him all my secrets (bc i dont like secrets in relationships) and gawd he has the nerve to break up with me the next day, i swear, he could have at least waiting like til tmrw, bc if it was tmrw...i wouldnt b so hurt... or if he let me down easy...i wouldnt b in such a major heartache rite now...but wen i read the email i almost felt like dying...like idk it was jus so sudden and unexpected i almost felt like my world was over....of which i kno isnt true but heck, it still made me feel that way for like the 20 minz i sat in front of the computer crying my eyes out...so this whole break up thing..i culd put it in2 a scenario ppl culd understand...

MOVIE: PSYSCHO
SCENE: SHOWER
HOW I FEEL RELATES TO THE CHICK IN THE SHOWER:
well she was jus taking a shower for heavens sake and she thought everything wuld b fine bc she jus stole money and crap and she felt a calm being in the shower but b4 she even knew it she looked in the eyes of her killer, the one who stabbed her, and as she slowly sank to the tub level, she stared into the eyes of the man who welcomed her, nicely and sweetly, and he tried his best to impress her and she had the thought for a minute that she was safe ya know? like everything will okay, but in the end, she knows she shouldnt have ever trusted any1...especially in sum weird creepy motel that is next to a rele creepy house, where the mother is nvr seen, and ppl have gone missing



yea its a weird analogy but i mean it kinda works and it gets my mind off of my current situation..but i'll move on like i always do...find sumthing else to occupy my time...and find sum1 who will actually appreciate me...so as of this moment, i am single...not ready to mingle at the moment bc i need time for my "wounds" to heal so to speak but i mean i'm leaving for boston friday, and nothing here in GA is holding me back from having fun...i hope...